Please Stop Asking About My Uterus
Brian and I have been married for three years, and we’re nearing 30, so the question of children comes up more and more frequently these days. Many of our friends are starting to have babies (or at least starting to think seriously about having babies), so it’s a hot topic of conversation. This is all normal and fine. We’re not there yet, but I do like talking with friends or family members about future plans, and I don’t mind good-natured kidding about the imminent pitter-patter of little feet. I get jokes.
What I do not like, however, is total strangers or remote acquaintances prying into my reproductive plans. It happens all the time, and it’s rude and it’s weird and it’s none of their business. Apparently, after you’ve been married five minutes, people who know nothing about you think it’s OK to discuss your lady parts. This is how the conversation usually goes:
Woman I’ve Never Met Before (at a party or barbecue or Navy function): So, do you have children?
Me: No, not yet.
Woman: How long have you been married? When are you going to have kids? You shouldn’t wait too long, you know! Young people always think they have so much time, but by 35… (knowing chuckle, implication that my uterus will become menacing and inhospitable any minute now)
Me: Well, we’ve only been married three years, so we’re not in a hurry. Plus, we’re really enjoying living in Italy and traveling and drinking wine and eating unpasteurized cheese… (trying to change the subject) Speaking of which, do you have any fun trips planned soon…?
Woman: Well, you say that now, but I know so many couples who have gotten pregnant here! There must be something in the water.
Me: (Blink, blink)
Stop SAYING that. I can’t count the number of times I have heard that idiotic phrase in Hawaii and now in Naples, almost always from Navy folks and their spouses. There is nothing in the water. Navy people just have a lot of babies. There is no need to make up silly explanations for it; I know how this works.
I always want to respond: You know what I take with my water? Whiskey and Ortho Tri-Cyclen.