Why, hello, friends. It has been far too long. It seems I went and got married since I last updated No Dowry.

Beautiful photo montage by my cousin, Jeremy Mau

The last time I posted, on January 12, I had these lofty goals for the week of the wedding. I was going to blog daily about the last-minute madness before the wedding– the mini sweatshop of friends putting together wedding favors and centerpieces in our living room, the headache of wrangling florists and babysitters and chauffeurs, the wave of friends and family flying in town before the bachelor/bachelorette parties and rehearsal– and hilarity would ensue.

Yeah… the funny thing about all that madness is that it leaves very little time for witty commentary. I was pretty much a crazy hermit lady with 100 to-do lists instead of 100 cats.

Now that Brian and I are all married and back from our honeymoon, I want to go back and reflect on our wedding weekend in a series of posts (accompanied by lots and lots of photos). I’ve been so wrapped up in planning everything that I didn’t fully grasp how incredible and emotional it would be to celebrate our marriage surrounded by the people who are most important to us.

All weekend, from the bachelorette party to the morning-after recovery party at Molly’s, I kept looking around in amazement at our high school friends, our college friends, our families, our work friends, everyone in one place and getting along famously. I got verklempt more times than I can count. I love you guys, and you made our wedding the best damn party I could have hoped for.

Photo courtesy of Miss Lisa Campo

So, over the next few weeks, you can expect to read more than you ever wanted to know about the following topics (probably not in order and woven in with what’s going on at the moment):

• Last-minute preparations and the final designs from my talented husband (I’ve been practicing using that word, but it still does not come naturally. For the record, I will never use the word “hubby.”)
•  The bachelorette party, organized by my amazing sister and maid of honor, Melia
• The day before the wedding– martinis for lunch and insomnia for dinner
• The wedding day, night and after-party into the wee hours
• The honeymoon– two glorious weeks in Panama and the Caribbean

In the meantime, some of our friends have already written beautiful posts about the wedding. Read and enjoy:

Ide:

• This time, I mean it.
• Blam!

Gener:

• Best Wedding Ever. No. Seriously. Part I.
  
• Part II.
• Part III.
• Part IV.

Lisa:

• where has the time gone? 
• With her permission, I may later post the incredible post-wedding toast she wrote.

Kathleen:

• La Mia Famiglia

Thank the Lord, the day has finally come. We finished our laughably bad pre-cana class tonight. I can’t put the joy and relief we feel into words. This calls for a celebration. Champagne for everyone!

In all fairness, there were a few useful parts of the last two lessons (two out of seven ain’t… well, no, that’s pretty bad). One was about forgiveness in relationships and how important it is in marriage, and there were a couple of good questions that actually encouraged us to talk to each other and not just regurgitate doctrine. OK, a promising start…

And then they threw these questions in: “Do you think watching pornography can hurt your relationship? Why? How can you avoid pornography becoming a problem in your life?”

Wait, what? I thought we were talking about forgiveness! Somehow our conversation about communication and compassion turned into a lecture on the evils of porn. Way to be a buzzkill, people.

Anyway, no use dwelling anymore. The bottom line is we are DONE. And they have to let us pass go and receive our certificate of participation… even after they read the very long feedback questionnaire we filled out after our last lesson. We win!

Because of that title, Brian is probably going to read this post right away (if so, “Hi, honey”). I would. Curiosity always gets the best of me. And luckily, I’m not one of those people who thinks the groom should have absolutely no idea what the bride’s wedding dress looks like. Having some mystery and excitement around the dress if fun, but seeing a piece of fabric on a mannequin and seeing it on me on the wedding day are two very different things. At least I hope so because otherwise, I would be missing some critical body parts that would make walking down the aisle very tricky.

Anyway, here are recent pictures of Kaila’s masterpiece (thanks for taking them, Kathleen!):

Action shot. Doesn’t it look like Kai is practicing how she’s going to booty dance with me at the reception? I am a LADY, Kaila!

Hey, eyes up here, everyone. Jeez. 

It’s getting pretty real. T- 11 days…

I have been Catholic long enough to realize there are just some things the Church and I will never see eye to eye on. Women’s role in the Church/the family/pretty much anything, homosexuality and contraception are at the top of the list. I sometimes like to visualize the Catholic Church as a very old, slightly senile distant relative who goes on and on about how things were back in his day and who sometimes makes inappropriate comments about “broads” and “Orientals” getting too uppity. He means well, but we can agree to disagree, and I try to let some things slide because of his age.

Apparently, this method does not fly with our pre-cana instructors. The last three lessons have strongly focused on why using contraception is a sin against God and why we must not follow our own consciences on the matter because they are only properly informed when dictated by the teachings of the Church.

You can follow along with two of the articles we had to read: “Humanae Vitae and Conscience” and “Contraception: Why Not” (not “Contraception: Why Not?” as Jules thought it was), both written by Professor Janet Smith, whose condescending writing style and lack of factual evidence make me want to go against my “WWJD” policy.

The article cover page (I can’t make this up) is the only thing that got me through these lessons. 

The gist of the first article is how ridiculous it is that Catholics think they are smarter than the Church and how no one can opt out of the Church’s teachings on contraception. The second is a rambling account of how the Pill destroys morality, increases unwanted pregnancies, abortions and divorces and is generally responsible for all evil in the world.

Sorry, guys. I’m not gonna play. I do not accept that it is wrong to plan when you are ready and willing to have children. If you choose to do that with Natural Family Planning (NFP), more power to you. If you choose to use some form of contraception, great. Having kids is a major life change, not to mention a pretty significant financial commitment, so I am all for people being responsible and not procreating until they’re good and ready.

What makes me most angry about these “lessons” on contraception is that they aren’t intended to spark debate or discussion. They are simply a lecture on why Church doctrine will always outweigh our personal beliefs. Case closed. There were very few essay questions or opportunities to ask questions or express an opinion, just a series of leading multiple choice questions. I started answering them the way I wanted to, then deleting some of my responses and writing slightly more diplomatic answers.

Then there were the questions I had to give answers I knew were “wrong.”

Yes, the Pill is the reason more couples divorce. If a couple is struggling with a difficult marriage, you know what would be a good fix? More kids.

It’s just insane to blame more unwanted pregnancies on one sole factor in the last 40 years. Plus, if the unwanted pregnancy rate has gone up since the 1960s when women started using birth control, can you imagine what it would be without the Pill?

I’m sorry, but that’s just not accurate. As one friend who used to work for an OB/GYN said, “We used to have a nickname for women who used Natural Family Planning. We called them ‘Mommy.’” NFP has a few different methods, but it involves recording different bodily factors (such as basal body temperature and cervical mucus changes) to determine when a woman is ovulating.

Most sources I found (like the one sponsored by the National Institute of Health) cite the statistic that 15 to 20 women out of 100 get pregnant each year using NFP. The Pill results in 2 to 3 pregnancies out of 100 when no pills are missed. The “withdrawl” method, by contrast, gets about 7 to 22 women out of 100 pregnant every year. I can’t get excited about a 15 to 20 percent failure rate, though measuring my cervical mucus does sound fun.

And then there’s that. I might have laughed at the Hall and Oates reference if it weren’t misspelled and if I weren’t too busy throwing up in my mouth.

So, what do y’all think, particularly those of you who are Catholic? Do you agree with the Church or do you think we should be able to follow our consciences?

I’ve got plenty to write about at the moment, but with the holidays and only 15 days until our wedding (the ewedding.com site tells me tauntingly every time I sign in), blogging just sounds like another item on my frightening to-do list. I’m so Jessie Spano on caffeine pills: There’s no time! There’s never any time!

I’m not the crazy Bridezilla sobbing in the corner because she can’t get the caterers to fold the napkins into tiny origami swans. I’m the burnt-out girl who is tired of spreadsheets and has decided maybe she’s done enough planning. We will have a ceremony in a real church with a real priest, we have guaranteed there will be food, booze and music for the entire reception and we’re 98.5 percent sure all family members/wedding party attendants will show up clean, sober and on their best behavior. Everything else is just gravy.

Bri and I started a new spreadsheet in our Google doc of terror called “Current To-Do List,” which now houses all the random tasks we still need to handle. The most satisfying part of my day is using the strikethrough  to cross of completed items. Best. Thing. Ever.

I have learned some interesting tidbits while working through the to-do list:

• You know when the newly married couple jumps into a Rolls Royce or a horse and carriage (maybe more in New Orleans than in other places) and rides away from the church? That shit is expensive! I called Royal Carriages, what Google tells me is the only game in town, and the guy told me for 30 minutes it would be $325! Oh, but it includes a driver in a tux and a white carriage, so it’s cool. And it’s not even a horse pulling the carriage; it’s a mule. The classic car would be $485 for a two-hour minimum, so if we wanted to skip dinner and drive around town, it would be perfect.

• I can’t find anywhere in New Orleans that recycles wine bottles. The city has never been very green, but since the storm, it’s been really difficult to find recycling. The city doesn’t offer it yet, but Chuck and I have been using Phoenix Recycling at our place since I moved back. It’s been great, but recently it announced it can no longer accept glass because the Recycling Foundation of Baton Rouge can’t find markets for all the glass it takes in. I’ve been researching other recycling programs in NOLA but can’t find any that take green or brown glass (the Tulane glass studio will accept clear glass). I’m pretty sure we will be consuming a fair amount of wine at the reception, and I hate to throw bottles away. Does anyone know of an alternative option in the city?

• Good babysitters are hard to find when hardly any of your friends have children. We’ve sent out a few emails to the few friends who do have kids, asking for recommendations, but we haven’t had any luck so far. We need a couple of sitters who can handle 10+ chillen during the reception and help out with the nieces and nephews during the rehearsal dinner. If you know anyone who would be good,  I will buy you a bottle of wine or a jug of sangria, whichever you prefer.

• Enlisting help from family and friends is an awesome idea. Brian’s parents are organizing the rehearsal dinner at Mandina’s, my mom was a huge help in selecting the music and readings for the ceremony, my dad has been trying to dig us up a classic car through his automotive connections, Melia is pitching in on a bunch of mundane tasks I don’t feel like doing, Chuck is updating the RSVP list while I’m out of town (into categories of “people who love Gill” and “people who don’t love Gill”), Kaila is slaving away finishing my dress, the bridesmaids bought their bridesmaidy things months ago and are now focusing on keeping me relatively sane… And even more of our peeps will be bending over backwards to help us in the next few weeks. Much appreciated. Y’all are fabulous.

• Our pre-cana instructors are certifiable. Seriously. We’ve decided the lessons and their responses are less Catholic and more born-again Christian. Under no circumstances should any of you take pre-cana through Catholic Marriage Preparation, Inc. (and yes, that is the real name). Stay tuned for a post on our lessons covering contraception and why the Church trumps conscience and common sense.

Phew, as awesome as those pre-cana lessons are… let’s not get too carried away with the fun. The real question is: where’s the dance party?

You might not know this, but I like dancing. A lot. I know, it’s a shocker, but sometimes I let my hair down, loosen up my proper, ladylike demeanor and just dance it out. This, for example, will probably happen at the reception:

We’re using Crescent City DJ for our reception, and the company has a pretty sweet Web site where you can search through their huge music database and request songs for three playlists: “Must Play,” “Play if Possible” and “If You Play This, I Will Strangle You With My Bare Hands.” Sweet! Here are some we have so far:

Must Play

1. No Diggity- Blackstreet
2. Twist and Shout- The Beatles
3. SexyBack- Justin Timberlake
4. Shoop (of course)- Salt ‘n’ Pepa
5. Brown Eyed Girl (it’s about me)- Van Morrison
6. Bust a Move- Young MC
7. Crazy Little Thing Called Love- Queen
8. Don’t Stop Believin’- Journey
9. Tainted Love (not a commentary on our relationship)- Soft Cell
10. In Da Club- 50 Cent

Play if Possible

1. Modern Love- David Bowie
2. Kiss- Prince
3. Baby One More Time (what?)- Britney Spears
4. Stagger Lee- Lloyd Price
5. Bonnie & Clyde- Beyonce and Jay-Z
6. California Love- 2Pac & Dr. Dre
7. I Saw Her Standing There- The Beatles
8. Take On Me- a-Ha
9. Build Me Up Buttercup- The Foundations
10. Word Up- Cameo

Play And I Will Cut You

1. Dancing Queen- ABBA
2. Conga- Gloria & the Miami Sound Machine
3. Who Let the Dogs Out- Baha Men
4. Every Breath You Take (creepy stalker song)- The Police
5. I Will Always Love You (totally a break-up song)- Whitney Houston or Dolly Parton
6. Limbo Rock- Chubby Checker
7. Macarena- Los Del Rio
8. Any other group participation dance song you can think of (the chicken dance, conga line, limbo… except perhaps the cha-cha slide and one round of the electric slide)
9. We Are Family- Sister Sledge
10. I’ll Make Love to You (a. awkward lyrics and b. reminds me of 7th grade dances)- Boyz II Men

I would love some input here. We want a good blend of ’80s, top 40/hip-hop, oldies, swing and a few slow songs thrown in there. So tell me this, what three songs would you add to each of those lists?

I don’t want to get into this too much because it will just make me more enraged, but I feel compelled to share some of the answers we got to our first pre-cana lesson. Our instructors, a married couple who I’m sure have the best intentions… just not a firm grasp on reality, sent us a 16-page, single-spaced Word document filled with exclamation points and some of the most sexist statements I’ve read in awhile. It’s like reading “Men are from Mars, Women are from Whore Island.”

Sounds more fun…

I don’t quite understand. I know lots of Catholics who are open-minded and well-educated and who don’t blame women for original sin and the fall of man. I also know several Catholic couples who had perfectly lovely experiences in their pre-cana classes (though Nicole said her class was great, but the priest told them the man should make all the decisions… because that’s how God intended it). I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

I’ll just share a few excerpts:

• Usually, men are more down to earth, more grounded than women. They are active and they like to build things, they are a lot in the “doing!

• In the Jewish tradition it is the very important duty of the father to name his children and a very meaningful one: by giving the name, the father grants permission to live and gives the identity. This is the meaning of Paternity.

• The ribs protect the heart, and also the lungs… What was in Adam’s lungs? God’s breath of life, his Holy Spirit… Maybe that’s why women are more naturally religious than men?

• She is also given maternity; she’s the one who will bear life in her womb. Woman in Hebrew is nekeva which means hollow, receptacle, to create an inside space. Woman’s body is made to receive. Woman is consecrated to life. It is an incredible mission if we think about it and wonderful too!

• Woman’s ability to receive relates her naturally to the spiritual world. She is more inclined to the things of the heart, that is to love. These two characteristics make her closer to God, who is Love and giver of life.

• God entrusts man to the woman. Man is a lot into his doing and has a tendency to forget God! He thinks he can manage everything by his own strength! So God gives the woman to the man to remind him of the spiritual.

• She is to be the guardian of the spiritual. She can also be called the Guardian of Purity.

• She added that they were not even allowed to touch it [the forbidden fruit]!  God never said that! She grabbed the bait! It made God sound even more severe! She enters in the devil’s game! He insinuated doubt in her. She totally gave in, meaning that she entered into temptation! Note that the devil doesn’t talk to Adam. Adam had been entrusted with the authority.

• Let’s also look at this scenario closer! First, she finds the fruit attractive. She is seduced — the pleasure of her senses and the desire for glory and power! This means that she chooses to eat the fruit to please herself without considering the long term repercussions of her actions. She wants to decide for herself what is good and what is bad.

• This is original sin: we want everything, right away, not accepting to depend on God… We want to decide for ourselves what is good or bad without trusting that God will provide at the right time. We make ourselves our own gods.

• She was to be a suitable partner to Adam, yet she made a decision on her own, not even respecting their partnership. She didn’t consult Adam. How often do we see couples where we can say that the wife “wears the pants?” As the guardian of the spiritual, Eve was supposed to remind man of God, to lead man to God and instead she led him away from God…She was also consecrated to life and led all humanity to death.

• The devil was called Lucifer before his fall, and he was the chief of all the archangels. Lucifer means the light bearer, and he was probably an extraordinarily beautiful angel. It’s easier to imagine Eve talking to the most beautiful of angels and being seduced.

• They are not equal partners anymore… The communion man and woman experienced together before sin is broken. “Your urge shall be for your husband.”  Woman will become very possessive in her love for her husband.  He will take advantage of this urge the woman has to be loved and protected, and he shall be your master, meaning that the man will distort the authority that was given to him as a service into a power over the woman and he will lose his respect for her. He will use the woman for himself instead of loving her. He will lust instead of love. Their partnership is destroyed because of sin.

Jeez, woman! Way to screw everything up. I have a sudden fruit craving; maybe I’ll go eat an apple and destroy free will.

Brian and I finally sucked it up and did our first pre-cana lesson. We are accepting the harsh reality that we have less than six weeks until the wedding, and the Catholic Church probably doesn’t give extensions (that Pope is such a stickler for deadlines).

However, this didn’t stop me from whining like a spoiled brat 90 percent of the time. “I don’t waaaaana. This is booooring. These questions are stuuuuupid. I’m huuuungry.”

The format of the online class is pretty much your average reading comprehension test– read several Bible verses, answer some questions, read some more, answer some more (next time, we will insert the steps “drink some wine” and “watch some YouTube videos” in there somewhere). The first lesson’s goal was to  “explore the very beginnings to understand better who we are as man and woman, as a couple and what was meant by God in creating us so different.” Yes, do tell.

There are no pictures in the Creative Commons “Adam and Eve” search that are not creepy

Here’s what I learned:

• God created man, but he was ronery
• God created woman out of man’s rib to keep him company
• God tells man and woman not to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil
• Serpent convinces woman it’s cool to eat from the tree, God is just being stingy (man is there, too, but he’s just in the wrong place at the wrong time)
• God is not a happy camper
• God boots man and woman out of the Garden of Eden but gives them fashionable leather garments to wear
• God punishes woman by cursing her with painful childbirth and man as her “master”
• God punishes man (”because you listened to your wife”) by cursing him to toil the earth the rest of his days

Trixy woman! Always leading man astray. That’s why man should be the master.

Brian and I decided this class would be much better if it were taught by Dr. Gnuse, our “Old Testament as Biblical Lit” professor at Loyola. I think he’d put these readings into context better than the good people of Catholic Marriage Prep, Inc. I remember Gnuse discussing how woman gets too much of the blame in this story– some people like to forget her husband was there, and at the time the story was written, women rarely made decisions without the consent of their husbands. Even when faced with clever talking serpents.

I did enjoy some of the reading comprehension questions, though. Feel free to learn along and answer any of them in the comments section:

• What does this reveal about her personality? Would you say that it makes woman:
  • Hyperactive and rational
  • Spiritual and sensitive
• Why can we say that woman sinned in the very missions God gave her? Why can we say that man sinned in the very missions God entrusted him?
• So the first consequence of sin is…
• How will sin distort the relationship of man and woman?

I look forward to reading your answers and comparing them to the answer key we just received. I have a feeling some of you will not be getting a gold star.

A few months back, I wrote about wanting to go to this great wedding ring workshop, where couples can actually design and make their own rings. I signed us up for the one in San Diego last weekend, and it was one of the coolest things I’ve ever done. Seriously. All of you engaged people (y’all are dropping like flies… you know who you are), I highly, highly recommend doing this! Give up a day, be prepared to be patient (yeah, I am telling you to be patient; the irony is not lost on me) and go for it. As Bri said, “I really can’t imagine buying our rings any other way.”

All told, making our rings took 10 hours, start to finish (apparently, we picked the most difficult metal to work with), but it was super relaxed and fun. Jay Whaley is the jeweler who runs the workshop here in San Diego, and he’s just the nicest, most patient man ever. He teaches at UCSD, so he must be used to squirrely students using power tools for the first time (he didn’t look terrified when I picked up the blow torch). He was great about showing us what to do, stepping back to let us do it ourselves, then lending a hand when we got stuck.

OK, I’m going to drop a bunch of pictures on you right now because they tell the story better than I can. Ready… GO!

This is what we started with… just some lumps of metal

Fire, fire! Melting the metal into one piece

My little special ball

Brian’s perfectly formed ingot

Lots and lots of annealing– making the metal soft enough to shape

Flattening the metal in this fun press thing

Lookin’ good

Taking out our aggression and shaping the metal into ring form

Getting closer

Soldering time!

“Lord of the Rings” geeks? Kaila? Hermes? Anyone?

The neverending polishing process

Hey, everybody! Come and see how good I look!

Toasting our success with delicious almond champagne

Tee hee. So demure

Still in disbelief

Oooh, shiny

The final product, engraved and all!

Opa! Victory is ours!

There’s a lot of goodness and happiness going on right now in my world. Brian and I are in the same place! And not just via Skype! He is officially back from his tour in Iraq, we are both in San Diego and life is glorious. We are that obnoxious couple kissing and holding hands and playing footsie in public, and I don’t even care. I’m gonna wade around in that lovey dovey schmoopiness as much as I want. We earned it!

Look! He’s real!

We’re madly trying to get wedding stuff done in the next few weeks, but for some reason, I’m feeling much more calm now. So we still need to finalize our contract with the DJ? We need to send out invitations next week and we’re still going back and forth with the printer? Meh. So what? Have another glass of wine. I have plenty to write about right now, but it’s going to have to wait.

In the meantime, this is a conversation I had with Kathleen last night. I was trying to figure out how to word the invitation card for the rehearsal dinner, and this is the crap Google came up with:

Tyler popped the question
and April said “Yes”
All the planning is over
from the hall to the dress.
Only one thing remains
for this day to be great
“Practice makes Perfect”
September 25th is the date.
We’ll practice the ceremony,
and iron out the kinks
Then it’s off to the Peachtree Cafe
for some dinner and drinks!

6:23:25 PM Kathleen: oh my goodness
6:23:40 PM Kathleen: sooo that website is amazing
6:23:49 PM Kathleen: i even found one we can use for you
6:23:50 PM Kathleen: A sprinkle of flowers and a
couple of kisses,
Soon Brian and Gillie will be
Mr. and Mrs.
But as we wait for that special hour,
Let’s honor Gillie with a surprise Bridal Shower!
on some date in January
at some really great place in New Orleans!
6:24:02 PM Kathleen: haha
6:24:16 PM Gillian: ahahahaha
6:24:21 PM Gillian: i just threw up a little in my mouth
6:24:30 PM Kathleen: as did i, i can’t believe i let myself send that
6:24:40 PM Gillian: you should be ashamed of yourself
6:24:42 PM Kathleen: hehehe
6:24:46 PM Kathleen: no regrets
6:25:03 PM Gillian: super gross, i tell you. these people are on crack
6:25:19 PM Kathleen: must be good crack if they think those invites are worth sending out
6:25:59 PM Gillian: for reals. if i ever think it’s a good idea to send out rhyming anything, please smack me
6:26:48 PM Kathleen: i think you have a several good friends who will more than happy to smack you
6:26:57 PM Kathleen: for rhyming invites or using the wrong font
6:26:59 PM Kathleen: oh dear
6:27:28 PM Gillian: i think ide and darren would fight for that honor… or both if i rhymed and used papyrus
6:27:36 PM Gillian: actually, then brian would cancel the whole thing
6:27:52 PM Kathleen: yeah, you’d be totally ditched
6:28:04 PM Kathleen: so just keep those thoughts out of your head
6:28:12 PM Gillian: conditional love. i see how it is.
6:28:16 PM Kathleen: haha
6:28:38 PM Kathleen: well, you know my love is unconditional… i’d just smack you to make sure brian stuck around

Ah, good times. We’re spending the weekend going registry shopping (translation: me hula hooping in the aisles of Target and Brian caressing a Set it and Forget it Rotisserie), doing that “make your own ring” workshop and maybe a little pre-cana partying. We might just block off a night, get take-out and a few bottles of wine and knock out all nine lessons. I think live blogging that would be awesome. Too much? Inappropriate? Or just hilarious?