Maid of Honor Wisdom

My best friend from high school, Nicole, got married this past weekend, and I was her maid of honor (bless her heart, she asked me even though she knows me so well). This summer, three of my high school girlfriends tied the knot, with another in the queue for fall 2009. I remember hearing a couple years ago that weddings, babies and divorces all come in waves. I find two of those things pretty unpleasant right now, so I guess I should be grateful I’m only in the wedding wave.

Still, it was surreal to see Nicole put on her grandmother’s wedding dress and walk down the aisle. Even though I’m about to do the same thing in a few months, I kept thinking, “Wait a minute! We just learned to drive the other day. We just did this hair and make-up stuff for prom a little while ago! What do you mean *NSYNC broke up?”

Homecoming 2000, wedding 2008, what’s the diff?

Crazy internal monologue aside, it was a beautiful wedding—classy, personal and definitely “them.” I’ve never been in a wedding before and I’m obviously a little inept with some of these chick things, so it was a great crash course in how it all works.

Here are the major lessons I learned:

1. Expect that people who have not RSVP’d will show up at the last minute.

Yep, the response deadline had come and gone a month ago, but sure enough, three days before the wedding, a few relatives popped up and decided they were in the mood for a party. And wanted to bring a date. Or two. I decided if you account for a few of these etiquette-challenged asses showing up for the wedding, you won’t be freaking out over where they’re going to sit or what they’re going to eat. Personally, I think they should have to sit at their own “time-out” table and eat gruel, but that’s just me.

2. The week before the wedding, all preparatory activities should be accompanied by mojitos.

There are many reasons why I love Nicole—her affinity for car dancing, her lack of internal monologue around obnoxious people—but her to-do list for the last few days before the wedding might top them all.

• Finish decorating the jam jars (the wedding favors)
• Mojitos
• Buy Slurpees
• Spend Victoria’s Secret gift certificate
• Make table numbers
• Drinks
• Write packing list
• Buy champagne

So we drank mojitos at 2 p.m. while I tied ribbons on jam jars and she wrote thank-you notes. And we sipped 32-ounce Slurpees while bra shopping at Victoria’s Secret. No big deal.

3. Never, under any circumstances, rely on Kinko’s for anything other than sucking.

I had kind of assumed that only the New Orleans Kinko’s staff was incompetent, lazy and rude, but it turns out, those qualities are required of their employees nationwide! Talk about brand consistency. Brian has a long history of Kinko’s screwing up his design projects, and I’ve had a few charming run-ins with them as well, so I was concerned when Nicole said they were printing their ceremony programs there. True to form, they kept postponing when it would be ready, only to tell her eventually, “Oh, we can’t do it. There’s no way with that card stock.” Two days before the wedding. Kinko’s: printing :: Paris Hilton: thinking.

4. Have the hair and make-up people come to you.

I keep reading budget wedding tips about how you should go to the salon with your bridal party the day of the wedding to have your hair and make-up done because it’s cheaper and blah blah blah. This is true, I’m sure, but the last thing I want to do the morning of my wedding is schlep all over the city getting prettified. You people can come to me, and bring me a latte while you’re at it. It’s my special day! Pay attention to me!

5. Two words: party bus.

Their wedding was at the Fordham Chapel in the Bronx, and the reception was at the Newark Museum in New Jersey, so Nicole and Andy arranged for buses to transport everyone from the hotel to the church to the museum and back. It’s a decent drive from Point A to Point B, so the groomsmen made sure to stock coolers of beer and champagne for the after-ceremony drive. Our church is only a mile from the reception venue, but it would still be pretty nice for guests to not have to worry about transportation at all. I’ll look into it. Plus, the party bus offers great photo opps like these:

Congrats to the newlyweds! Love you both and hate you for being in Fiji right now.