Posts from — January 2009

Thank the Lord, the day has finally come. We finished our laughably bad pre-cana class tonight. I can’t put the joy and relief we feel into words. This calls for a celebration. Champagne for everyone!

In all fairness, there were a few useful parts of the last two lessons (two out of seven ain’t… well, no, that’s pretty bad). One was about forgiveness in relationships and how important it is in marriage, and there were a couple of good questions that actually encouraged us to talk to each other and not just regurgitate doctrine. OK, a promising start…

And then they threw these questions in: “Do you think watching pornography can hurt your relationship? Why? How can you avoid pornography becoming a problem in your life?”

Wait, what? I thought we were talking about forgiveness! Somehow our conversation about communication and compassion turned into a lecture on the evils of porn. Way to be a buzzkill, people.

Anyway, no use dwelling anymore. The bottom line is we are DONE. And they have to let us pass go and receive our certificate of participation… even after they read the very long feedback questionnaire we filled out after our last lesson. We win!

Because of that title, Brian is probably going to read this post right away (if so, “Hi, honey”). I would. Curiosity always gets the best of me. And luckily, I’m not one of those people who thinks the groom should have absolutely no idea what the bride’s wedding dress looks like. Having some mystery and excitement around the dress if fun, but seeing a piece of fabric on a mannequin and seeing it on me on the wedding day are two very different things. At least I hope so because otherwise, I would be missing some critical body parts that would make walking down the aisle very tricky.

Anyway, here are recent pictures of Kaila’s masterpiece (thanks for taking them, Kathleen!):

Action shot. Doesn’t it look like Kai is practicing how she’s going to booty dance with me at the reception? I am a LADY, Kaila!

Hey, eyes up here, everyone. Jeez. 

It’s getting pretty real. T- 11 days…

I have been Catholic long enough to realize there are just some things the Church and I will never see eye to eye on. Women’s role in the Church/the family/pretty much anything, homosexuality and contraception are at the top of the list. I sometimes like to visualize the Catholic Church as a very old, slightly senile distant relative who goes on and on about how things were back in his day and who sometimes makes inappropriate comments about “broads” and “Orientals” getting too uppity. He means well, but we can agree to disagree, and I try to let some things slide because of his age.

Apparently, this method does not fly with our pre-cana instructors. The last three lessons have strongly focused on why using contraception is a sin against God and why we must not follow our own consciences on the matter because they are only properly informed when dictated by the teachings of the Church.

You can follow along with two of the articles we had to read: “Humanae Vitae and Conscience” and “Contraception: Why Not” (not “Contraception: Why Not?” as Jules thought it was), both written by Professor Janet Smith, whose condescending writing style and lack of factual evidence make me want to go against my “WWJD” policy.

The article cover page (I can’t make this up) is the only thing that got me through these lessons. 

The gist of the first article is how ridiculous it is that Catholics think they are smarter than the Church and how no one can opt out of the Church’s teachings on contraception. The second is a rambling account of how the Pill destroys morality, increases unwanted pregnancies, abortions and divorces and is generally responsible for all evil in the world.

Sorry, guys. I’m not gonna play. I do not accept that it is wrong to plan when you are ready and willing to have children. If you choose to do that with Natural Family Planning (NFP), more power to you. If you choose to use some form of contraception, great. Having kids is a major life change, not to mention a pretty significant financial commitment, so I am all for people being responsible and not procreating until they’re good and ready.

What makes me most angry about these “lessons” on contraception is that they aren’t intended to spark debate or discussion. They are simply a lecture on why Church doctrine will always outweigh our personal beliefs. Case closed. There were very few essay questions or opportunities to ask questions or express an opinion, just a series of leading multiple choice questions. I started answering them the way I wanted to, then deleting some of my responses and writing slightly more diplomatic answers.

Then there were the questions I had to give answers I knew were “wrong.”

Yes, the Pill is the reason more couples divorce. If a couple is struggling with a difficult marriage, you know what would be a good fix? More kids.

It’s just insane to blame more unwanted pregnancies on one sole factor in the last 40 years. Plus, if the unwanted pregnancy rate has gone up since the 1960s when women started using birth control, can you imagine what it would be without the Pill?

I’m sorry, but that’s just not accurate. As one friend who used to work for an OB/GYN said, “We used to have a nickname for women who used Natural Family Planning. We called them ‘Mommy.'” NFP has a few different methods, but it involves recording different bodily factors (such as basal body temperature and cervical mucus changes) to determine when a woman is ovulating.

Most sources I found (like the one sponsored by the National Institute of Health) cite the statistic that 15 to 20 women out of 100 get pregnant each year using NFP. The Pill results in 2 to 3 pregnancies out of 100 when no pills are missed. The “withdrawl” method, by contrast, gets about 7 to 22 women out of 100 pregnant every year. I can’t get excited about a 15 to 20 percent failure rate, though measuring my cervical mucus does sound fun.

And then there’s that. I might have laughed at the Hall and Oates reference if it weren’t misspelled and if I weren’t too busy throwing up in my mouth.

So, what do y’all think, particularly those of you who are Catholic? Do you agree with the Church or do you think we should be able to follow our consciences?

I’ve got plenty to write about at the moment, but with the holidays and only 15 days until our wedding (the ewedding.com site tells me tauntingly every time I sign in), blogging just sounds like another item on my frightening to-do list. I’m so Jessie Spano on caffeine pills: There’s no time! There’s never any time!

I’m not the crazy Bridezilla sobbing in the corner because she can’t get the caterers to fold the napkins into tiny origami swans. I’m the burnt-out girl who is tired of spreadsheets and has decided maybe she’s done enough planning. We will have a ceremony in a real church with a real priest, we have guaranteed there will be food, booze and music for the entire reception and we’re 98.5 percent sure all family members/wedding party attendants will show up clean, sober and on their best behavior. Everything else is just gravy.

Bri and I started a new spreadsheet in our Google doc of terror called “Current To-Do List,” which now houses all the random tasks we still need to handle. The most satisfying part of my day is using the strikethrough  to cross of completed items. Best. Thing. Ever.

I have learned some interesting tidbits while working through the to-do list:

• You know when the newly married couple jumps into a Rolls Royce or a horse and carriage (maybe more in New Orleans than in other places) and rides away from the church? That shit is expensive! I called Royal Carriages, what Google tells me is the only game in town, and the guy told me for 30 minutes it would be $325! Oh, but it includes a driver in a tux and a white carriage, so it’s cool. And it’s not even a horse pulling the carriage; it’s a mule. The classic car would be $485 for a two-hour minimum, so if we wanted to skip dinner and drive around town, it would be perfect.

• I can’t find anywhere in New Orleans that recycles wine bottles. The city has never been very green, but since the storm, it’s been really difficult to find recycling. The city doesn’t offer it yet, but Chuck and I have been using Phoenix Recycling at our place since I moved back. It’s been great, but recently it announced it can no longer accept glass because the Recycling Foundation of Baton Rouge can’t find markets for all the glass it takes in. I’ve been researching other recycling programs in NOLA but can’t find any that take green or brown glass (the Tulane glass studio will accept clear glass). I’m pretty sure we will be consuming a fair amount of wine at the reception, and I hate to throw bottles away. Does anyone know of an alternative option in the city?

• Good babysitters are hard to find when hardly any of your friends have children. We’ve sent out a few emails to the few friends who do have kids, asking for recommendations, but we haven’t had any luck so far. We need a couple of sitters who can handle 10+ chillen during the reception and help out with the nieces and nephews during the rehearsal dinner. If you know anyone who would be good,  I will buy you a bottle of wine or a jug of sangria, whichever you prefer.

• Enlisting help from family and friends is an awesome idea. Brian’s parents are organizing the rehearsal dinner at Mandina’s, my mom was a huge help in selecting the music and readings for the ceremony, my dad has been trying to dig us up a classic car through his automotive connections, Melia is pitching in on a bunch of mundane tasks I don’t feel like doing, Chuck is updating the RSVP list while I’m out of town (into categories of “people who love Gill” and “people who don’t love Gill”), Kaila is slaving away finishing my dress, the bridesmaids bought their bridesmaidy things months ago and are now focusing on keeping me relatively sane… And even more of our peeps will be bending over backwards to help us in the next few weeks. Much appreciated. Y’all are fabulous.

• Our pre-cana instructors are certifiable. Seriously. We’ve decided the lessons and their responses are less Catholic and more born-again Christian. Under no circumstances should any of you take pre-cana through Catholic Marriage Preparation, Inc. (and yes, that is the real name). Stay tuned for a post on our lessons covering contraception and why the Church trumps conscience and common sense.