Rules for Future Offspring: #1-10
Way back in August, Chuck got me hooked on a brilliantly simple Tumblr blog called 1001 rules for my unborn son. Its tagline is “Let’s get some things straight before I get old and uncool,” and it contains some of the best and funniest advice I’ve found. I have always intended to keep a list of things I want to remember once I’m a parent, but I like this spin on it, too.
With my own awesome parents
I started my own list after Katie Ide inspired me with her “10 rules” for her “really, incredibly unborn child,” but it has been sitting neglected on my desktop since this summer. Thank you, Nicole, for reminding me of its existence. It’s a good exercise to try to wrap up your own values and beliefs into little bite-sized pieces. Here’s the first installment; I’ll try to add to it in 10-item increments as the fancy strikes me.
Oh, and by the way, this does not mean that we are planning on hearing the pitter patter of little feet any time soon. So please don’t ask me. As my friend Heather so wisely puts it, “It is rude to ask a woman when and if she is planning on having children because you don’t know a thing about her. That being said, if you ask me, I might cut you. Also, don’t ever tell me to relax. Because if you do, I just might ask you how easy it is to relax while I am hurling my fist at your jaw bone.” There is no way I can improve upon that.
Rules for My Future Children: #1-10
1. Learn to speak a second language well enough to swear comfortably. Live in a country where it’s spoken long enough to know your grocer or bartender by name.
2. Keep a journal, especially during your hardest and happiest times. It will be cathartic to write and entertaining to look back on.
3. Love cooking as much as you love eating (if you’re my child, you’ll have no problem with the latter). Don’t fear vegetables, spices or seafood.
4. Take lots of pictures and make sure you’re in some of them. Recognize that you are damn good looking.
5. Don’t let your peers dictate your timeline. Life is way too short to live by other people’s expectations.
6. Listen to your instincts when it comes to love. Be open but not careless. You’ll know when you find someone who brings out the best version of you (you’ll also know when you’re dating a tool).
7. Do something active every day—make exercise a necessity and not a chore. When in doubt, walk there.
8. Read newspapers, novels and non-fiction regularly. Indulge in Us Weekly occasionally.
9. Know how to drive a stick shift, throw an impromptu party and type with your fingers on the right keys. These are all skills that will serve you well.
10. Surround yourself with positive people. Real friends will support your crazy ideas and smack some sense into you when you’re thinking of quitting.
8 comments
Hahahaha…I can’t even count how many times have I’ve had to deal with the kids question already. Mostly from family members who don’t understand how I not only want children, but actually look forward to being a parent. Heather, that’s the best response I’ve ever read.
I really heart number 5. Still think that’s your tumblog and you just have to keep the book deal quiet for some reason…
Love it! All extremely important. Ever since Chuck introduced 1001 rules and Katie did her 10 rules, I’ve loved this idea too.
And trust me I would never expect the announcement of these rules to be your proclamation of desire for a little pitter-patter… but seriously, Gill, you’ve been married for 3 months now. Where are the behbehs??
ps, please don’t hit me.
wait, these are rules for your future kid? I’m making them rules for me, now.
Oh Gill.
You have an amazing way of making things I’m not particularly fond of quite desirable.
Thank you.
;-)
Ide and Kathleen, weren’t you two supposed to adopt an Asian baby together by now?
Nicole, I love you for saying that. Whoever writes that blog consistently makes me giggle.
Lisa, I’d be happy to make you a list of rules for your grown-up self whenever you like. 1. Move to Hawaii.
Tara, I feel the same way about chillens. But word on the street is that I may feel differently someday…
I could adopt an Asian baby. And I still might, especially if Kathleen agrees to be my better half. But I realized the other day that I might possibly have the only non-Asian babies out of our group of friends. I could raise my so-white-they-glow-in-the-dark kiddies as minorities if I play my cards right. Veird, no?
I love this idea, too. I’ve been meaning to start a list of my own, and this is good inspiration. As expected, I’m with you on all of these. I still want to learn to drive a stick shift. What if I’m part of a spur-of-the-moment bank heist and have to drive the getaway car for Brian? He does have the black bag for it, after all.
Ide and Kathleen, I volunteer to donate a half-Asian egg to you for three installments of $2,999.